From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark
“Today is Abraham Lincoln’s birthday. Abraham Lincoln was born 209 years ago. Of course, he was tragically assassinated at Ford’s Theater in Washington by a member of MS-13. I read that on the White House website. Is that not right?”
—Jimmy Kimmel
“According to sources at the White House, Donald Trump’s lawyers are telling him to refuse an interview with Robert Mueller because the president, who has a history of making false statements and contradicting himself, could be charged with lying to investigators. It’s a crack legal analysis from the law firm of No, Shit & Sherlock.”
—Stephen Colbert
—The Daily Show
“The Mexican-American judge that Donald Trump insulted may hear a case about his border wall. It’s the landmark case of Donald Trump vs. Payback’s a Bitch.”
—Conan O’Brien
And this interesting juxtaposition from Feb. 2009…
“How about President Barack Obama’s first prime time press conference last night? He was cogent, eloquent, and in complete command of the issues. I’m thinking to myself, what the hell am I supposed to do with that?”
—David Letterman
And Feb. 2017…
Trump at his one and only solo press conference exactly 365 days ago: To be honest, I inherited a mess.
Stephen Colbert: No. You inherited a fortune. We elected a mess.
—The Late Show
If your name is Robert Mueller, tonight drinks around the kiddie pool are on the house. Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold… [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Note about the poll: the high schoolers are from Parkland, Florida, not “Lakeland,” which I apparently pulled out of some dusty, malfunctioning part of my brain. In other words: my brain. Our apologies.